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Is Being Judged Part of Being a Parent?
Maybe we need to stop being so defensive.
I was speaking with an older and wiser friend recently — a mother of three grown children — and I mentioned a prickly interaction with a family member who thought I was overindulging my three-year-old by letting her co-sleep with me. I was grumbling about being scrutinised, misunderstood, about my family member’s lack of understanding about early attachment and child development, and about the audacity to pass comment on the decisions I was making.
My older-wiser friend stopped me short: “Pffff: you’re a parent: you signed up for this.”
“For what?”
“For being judged! It’s part of being a parent.”
I still thought she was commiserating, and I started to do the same with her — as the mother of three, I couldn’t imagine how much advice and criticism she’d had to fend off over the years. Poor us! But she stopped me again: “It’s not about you, anymore. We judge each others’ parenting because kids don’t have a say in this. How else are we going to make sure they’re getting the best deal?”.
I’ve been thinking about that conversation with my wise-older friend for the last couple of weeks — and the more I think about it, the more I find myself in total agreement with her.
Only a small part of good parenting is innate
Kids can’t unionise. They’re not free. They can’t vote. They didn’t even ask to be born. If they’re unlucky enough to be born to those not worthy of them, they quickly find that their job is to make their parents feel as good as possible about the inadequate care being provided. In other words, children have to buy into whatever lies their parents tell them: survival depends on agreeing to the terms of the imprisonment. If that means that love, for a particular child, includes abuse, the child must accept this — where else can they go to have their basic needs met?
None of us really knows what goes on in other people’s houses
Only a small part of good parenting is innate — so much is learnt. It’s learnt from listening deeply to our own children. And it’s learnt from attending to our own…
